Pensive Thoughts

 

Christmas in Castle Rock ~ 2016

The feelings of infatuation and being thoroughly smitten have morphed into something less (what's the word I'm looking for?) ... "teenage." 

We have enjoyed getting to know each other better with each passing day. Heartthrob has pulled out his childhood photos, sharing stories of his family, his friends, his school years, how he got into his career field. I've learned his values and how he's come to believe as he does. He has expressed to me how the loss of his wife of many years has affected him. 

I've done the same, introducing him to my life, my stories, and my grief (yes, he reads my blog).

clockwise from top left:
teaching Vacation Bible School
holding Granddaughter #1 
me at age 5
me and Beloved on a date 1969
my love for pretty table settings

After viewing my pictures (more than what is shown above), Heartthrob made the observation that people view me as "Mom," which is accurate, of course. 

Rachel and me

But he went on to say I am so much more than that, and especially now that the child-raising years are behind me, widowhood has found me, and I identify as a "beautiful single woman" (his words. Gotta love this man!)

my "wheels" in about 1955

When he saw this picture, he exclaimed that he always wanted a car like that! He made me laugh.

me in his "wheels" in early December

Of course, that desire has been replaced with something far more sleek and fast!

me at Beloved's grave a few days ago
(blurring added for privacy purposes)

As love blooms I continue to reflect on the changes that have overtaken my life since Beloved's departure for Heaven nearly 14 months ago. The feelings of loss remain but the intensity has lessened. The uniqueness of my late husband cannot be completely replaced. Those special qualities have a lot to do with why I loved him so much.

As time goes on, the emptiness is fulfilled with other people and other ways to meet my needs. I am learning to accept the loss. I find ways to conform to the new dynamics as a way to survive. 

The grief-stricken do well to examine our tight hold onto our coping habits to see if it's time for changes. Of course, for the Christ-follower, all of this needs to be done with the understanding God has not left us -- which can be tough when we have big questions and feel absolutely deserted. 

I have grabbed and held onto Dr. David Jeremiah's phrase, "God Has Not Forgotten You." Another phrase from this godly man rings true: "Are you preoccupied with the rearview mirror?"

Perhaps all the turmoil of loss is God's way of saying it's time to learn more about His love for us.

The pain we feel seems to overtake us at times, but if we hold on and wait for God's timing, it gets better. At least, that's how it's unfolding for me.

Heartthrob installs a plate 
on the front of my car

Here's a verse I've loved all my life, a promise that has helped me countless times:

Call unto me

and I will answer you

and will show you 

great and mighty things

you know nothing about.

Jeremiah 33:3

Until next time, grace and peace to you.