Thursday, January 13, 2022

Pensive Thoughts

 

Christmas in Castle Rock ~ 2016

The feelings of infatuation and being thoroughly smitten have morphed into something less (what's the word I'm looking for?) ... "teenage." 

We have enjoyed getting to know each other better with each passing day. Heartthrob has pulled out his childhood photos, sharing stories of his family, his friends, his school years, how he got into his career field. I've learned his values and how he's come to believe as he does. He has expressed to me how the loss of his wife of many years has affected him. 

I've done the same, introducing him to my life, my stories, and my grief (yes, he reads my blog).

clockwise from top left:
teaching Vacation Bible School
holding Granddaughter #1 
me at age 5
me and Beloved on a date 1969
my love for pretty table settings

After viewing my pictures (more than what is shown above), Heartthrob made the observation that people view me as "Mom," which is accurate, of course. 

Rachel and me

But he went on to say I am so much more than that, and especially now that the child-raising years are behind me, widowhood has found me, and I identify as a "beautiful single woman" (his words. Gotta love this man!)

my "wheels" in about 1955

When he saw this picture, he exclaimed that he always wanted a car like that! He made me laugh.

me in his "wheels" in early December

Of course, that desire has been replaced with something far more sleek and fast!

me at Beloved's grave a few days ago
(blurring added for privacy purposes)

As love blooms I continue to reflect on the changes that have overtaken my life since Beloved's departure for Heaven nearly 14 months ago. The feelings of loss remain but the intensity has lessened. The uniqueness of my late husband cannot be completely replaced. Those special qualities have a lot to do with why I loved him so much.

As time goes on, the emptiness is fulfilled with other people and other ways to meet my needs. I am learning to accept the loss. I find ways to conform to the new dynamics as a way to survive. 

The grief-stricken do well to examine our tight hold onto our coping habits to see if it's time for changes. Of course, for the Christ-follower, all of this needs to be done with the understanding God has not left us -- which can be tough when we have big questions and feel absolutely deserted. 

I have grabbed and held onto Dr. David Jeremiah's phrase, "God Has Not Forgotten You." Another phrase from this godly man rings true: "Are you preoccupied with the rearview mirror?"

Perhaps all the turmoil of loss is God's way of saying it's time to learn more about His love for us.

The pain we feel seems to overtake us at times, but if we hold on and wait for God's timing, it gets better. At least, that's how it's unfolding for me.

Heartthrob installs a plate 
on the front of my car

Here's a verse I've loved all my life, a promise that has helped me countless times:

Call unto me

and I will answer you

and will show you 

great and mighty things

you know nothing about.

Jeremiah 33:3

Until next time, grace and peace to you.


13 comments:

  1. I love your words..."something less...teenage". Yes, I can imagine at first it must feel like those teenage years of fun and excitement of getting to know someone else who seems to really "like" you and who stirs up your feelings and emotions...but yes, as relationships grow, so does the intensity and maturity of those feelings develop. May God continue to lead you step by step, one day at a time, guiding you with mature wisdom along with those feelings of...something less "teenage". May God give you joy and peace in the journey. We are all out here praying and cheering for you. God is with you.

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  2. You have such a way with words. Beautifully shared and so heartfelt. I love this new chapter in your story. Smiling and so happy for you! xo

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  3. Prayers and HOPE for you and your family during this new journey. I love love your blog.

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  4. Bless you on this new journey. It takes faith and courage to love again. I'm a new reader, and I'm so glad I found your blog.

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  5. Barbara...you continue to astonish me. Thank you for the many smiles...I truly mean that...if it wasn't for you and many others, I/we don't feel so alone in my/our grief journey. I am to include hubby in it because he is grieving as much as I am. With much love.

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  6. Getting to know you is good and filling the days with hope and looking forward are nice too. Good to hear from you.

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  7. A post filled with joy and hope! I have a friend whose husband passed away at the end of October, and while I know everyone's grief story is different, I appreciate hearing how things change for you, and I'm sure that intense grief she is now dealing with will also change for her. I'm so happy for you.

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  8. Barbara, what a hope and joy filled post! Thank you for continuing to share this journey of yours with grace.

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  9. That photo of you with your 'wheels' is so cute! Love it and all the history it holds from the 50's. It's been good to follow your journey and all the ups and downs. Life as it is...

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  10. I'm so happy for you. The loneliness is to much sometimes. We have snow and freezing rain so no time to get out to do anything. Hang in there girl and continue to be an example to other women who have lost their soul mate as I did. Nothing seems to help sometimes. 😕

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  11. Barbara, that verse is my verse this year as you know. I am holding onto that truth in scripture too. I am very happy for you. Loved looking at your memories through the pictures. It surely seems Heartthrob understands totally!!!! Girl, enjoy the journey. Hugs and blessings to you dear friend. Cindy

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  12. It's wonderful to follow you along this journey of sorrow mixed with joy, and to see the beautiful handiwork of the Lord in your situation. May the Lord continue to bless and sweeten this journey for you both!

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  13. You do have way with words, Barbara. And your blog is a wonderful way for Heartthrob to get to know you better. And I feel like I've gotta say this... I'm glad to know your beau is not just a handsome fella, but a handy one too. ;^) God's best to you both!

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