|from the "Wordy Wall" in my stair well|
While it's become easier for me to not dwell on the past, I occasionally pick up notes written in my journals to see what I was doing on this day in a previous year, to determine if I've made any progress.
The following are snippets and phrases from what I wrote a year ago, on January 17, 2021 in my blog post titled, "Honest Journaling Today."
"... there have been more than a few times when, here all alone in my house, I have screamed out to God [with] anger, sadness, feeling so forlorn.
... I am grateful for the concrete block construction of this house that muffles [those screams] when I am calling out to God. I am also grateful for these COVID face masks that help to conceal my tears when I'm in public.
... aside from valid concerns for our nation in its current state of upheaval and uncertainties, I am not afraid. I am just sad and angry.
... my life revolved around marriage and motherhood ... I now wonder just a little bit as to who I am, who am I supposed to be? What am I to be about? What do I want to do? This is an identity crisis.
I know my identity is always based in Jesus Christ. That is true no matter what else is going on it my life... I am a child of God so I know my calling is to live for Him.
... just put one foot in front of the other, take my life one day at a time, trusting the Lord to show me what's next in His will and timing. This is, indeed, a very hard experience but absolute good will come of it. I know that."
|bench at a fork in the path at |
Blue Run of Dunnellon Park
Here I am, a year later. There have been some turns in my direction since then as I tried to figure everything out. It's sometimes a "three steps forward, one step back process."
One thing is sure, we don't get to "figure everything out" and then just move forward blindly. This is validated with words to a song the Junior Choir sang when I was in the fourth grade:
Trust and obey
for there's no other way
to be happy in Jesus
but to trust and obey.
And then there are the words to a song we learned in youth choir:
My Lord knows the way through the wilderness
All I have to do is follow
Strength for today is mine alway
and all that I need for tomorrow...
Looking back over the past week, I've been involved in some things that, before Beloved's death, were uncharacteristic for me and yet it's all good.
Zoom Finance Meetings:
|Surfer Girl and me|
Surfer Girl manages my finances for me since that's her career since she gave up working for the Mouse and Jazzercise. Her dad appointed her to do this for me before his passing and now I am one of her many clients across the nation. Meeting monthly in person was a highlight for me. However, COVID hit her house so our January meeting was conducted via Zoom. This nuance saved both time and gas money.
More Dabbling in Real Estate:
|my property in North Florida|
It was a huge step for me to buy land all by myself a few months after Beloved's passing. After much thought and prayer, I later decided to not build on that lot. This past week not only did I ask my realtor to list it, but I was presented with a good offer! Closing is scheduled for a few weeks from now.
Drafted to Become an Athlete:
|me playing Bocce|
Bocce is a popular sport in 55+ communities and although it looks too simple to be worth the time, it does require some skill to win.
While I was being drafted into the sport, Heartthrob was coerced into serving as temporary captain of our team while the real captain takes time out for surgery. He filled out the roster with asking me to join up.
Never have I ever been on a sports team. In my school days I much preferred running a sewing machine in Home Ec class than running on a track in a gym uniform. The "new me" is rising to the surface!
But if that wasn't enough.....
Rode 9 Zip Lines in One Day:
|Heartthrob and me|
with zip lines behind us
This was bound to happen since I began dating Heartthrob in early December. He has been an athlete all of his life with football, baseball, and numerous marathons in New York City and Washington DC. If I want to spend time with this man, then becoming more sports-minded is my new aspiration.
|photo provided by ZIPtheCANYONS.com|
Just standing on the different stations took bravery beyond myself due to their height above the ground, and they wobbled!!
|photo provided by ZIPtheCANYONS.com|
This picture is not of me, however, I did slide on this cable and STOPPED SMACK ABOVE THE MIDDLE ABOVE THE LAKE! Before launching myself off the platform, I listened carefully to the instructions to pull my feet in close to my behind to increase speed with the hope I'd get all the way across this longest of the 9 zip lines.
However, as many of my readers know, I lost 20 pounds after Beloved's death and have not gained any of it back. After getting stalled out there and pulled to safety by one of the young, very agile instructors, I was told it's not unusual for children and light-weight grandmothers to lose momentum mid-ride. Yep. That's what happened to me.
|supper after the adventure park|
Of course, that experience proved to me it would be acceptable to enjoy a high-calorie supper. The burger and cheese curds at Culver's met the need perfectly!
|our view from a bridge above Withlacoochee River |
in Dunnellon earlier this month
Heartthrob tells me the next adventure on our bucket list is an air boat ride. While that may not require athleticism on my part, it will be a new experience for me in alligator-occupied water. It won't be a serene boat trip down a lazy river!
Don't get me wrong. I look forward to it. Enjoyable adventures are making their way into my life as the sadness of last year eases its grip on my heart. What a relief!
One cannot exist in perpetual sadness and grief. It destroys the body, mind, and spirit. But sometimes we have to step out and be brave enough to seek and embrace the adventures.
Not everyone will agree with our methods to alleviate the grief -- and that's okay. We all deal with grief in ways that go along with our personality, our relationship to the one who has died, and other factors.
When I look back to see where I was, the changes since then amaze me. Yes, at times it's scary, but the alternative is to sit at home alone in my recliner daubing at tears with a dish towel, mourning for what will never be again, crying over events completely out of my control.
|Mangroves in the swamp water of|
the Withlacoochee River
Peace I leave with you;
My peace I give you.
I do not give to you as the world gives.
Do not let your heart be troubled
and do not be afraid.
Until next time, grace and peace.